This reminds me of all the dreams and goals I had growing up. My tainted perception of what success looks like, how it should feel like. By the time I hit my early twenties, like most young adults, I want to have moved out, not sure if it’s running away from something or finding myself because I came to the realization that they have a tendency of looking like the same thing. I imagined i’d have finished my studies excelled exceptionally well and few months right after graduation I’d be making my life better because in my mind I deserved it. I mean wasn’t it about time for a break already?
I honestly hate the if part of things, what if I’m not good enough for him, what if I don’t get the dream job I’ve always desired, what if I don’t heal from the pain I’ve been carrying around projecting on everyone that’s only trying to be here for me, what if I don’t make the cut, what if they don’t like me? Ifs should just let us be. Why must we try to create scenarios in our minds just to get a glimpse of what our futures are going to look like? Can’t we just embrace the realities as they come? Why is it do damn hard to focus on the now without having to worry about the next day?
Ever had to wonder about the possibility of the place you are at currently being the position life was designed to have you at and nothing you do can ever change that?What if this is it? What if my today is my tomorrow and what if my tomorrow isn’t as great as I’d always thought it would have been? I’ve been thinking about the possibility of things not changing or matching my definition of better. And it’s been eating me up. It feels like one of those days you can’t think straight and all the optimism you once had about life has been sucked dry out of you. A retired life enthusiast to say the least.What’s even worse is the fact that I don’t think anyone understands how it feels because I’ve allowed myself to believe that we all have uniquely different experiences when it comes to life. I might be going through a similar experience to someone else’s but how we each perceive and understand the experience is completely different, which is fine. I might look the same on the outside but trust me the feelings are not anything you can imagine unless you are the one experiencing the same experience with the same understanding I have.
Since I’m the kind that wants to fix things I don’t like feeling overwhelmed with thoughts especially of things I don’t know nothing about, I try and find lope holes to get me away even just for a minute. Because a minute is more than enough to get me back to reset but no, a minute isn’t a minute when everything is out of control. So what if this is it?