Not just forgiving,but forgiving myself.

I’m not going to start the year by lying,heaven knows I want to tell less lies this year,not completely no lies but less lies. You know lies can be a good thing too,right? I struggle with forgiving,not just others but also forgiving myself. I’m not the type that will easily forgive and just forget. Especially the part about forgetting,it just doesn’t feel right to me. I guess the reason why is because I don’t have the tolerance or understanding, of how much disrespect one has to take in all in the name of forgiving,for my good apparently. The thing about when you choose to forgive you let go of a burden,the burden of carrying the grudge around your everyday life or so they say,choosing to forgive sets you “free”.

Maybe I still have a long way to go so as to understand what forgiveness is about. How it works and what the wholesome idea of it is based on. Because honestly,I find drive in holding grudges. The anger behind knowing someone did me dirty,is enough reason to keep me going. I will most definitely feel stupid because I allowed them to come in my space and convinced me to put my guard down. I will beat myself up for being too accommodating,or naive,or too trusting of others. I know how toxic,or red flag that sounds but it’s my truth. However,today it’s about self forgiveness.

I not only struggle with forgiving others but also forgiving myself. So today I want to share my thoughts or understanding on self forgiveness,the type of forgiveness you give to yourself because of a mistake,or mistakes you made at a time when you didn’t know any better. The wrong doings i did to myself at a time when I thought i was doing right by myself only to realize that,I just set myself up for a life time of regret. Thinking about it now,i believe it probably stems from the fact that I have a hard time forgiving myself for things I do wrong.

I’m the kind that will prefer learning from other people’s mistakes as apposed to me making the mistakes so as to learn from them. So far so good. Don’t get me wrong,I have made a handful of mistakes which I have learnt to let go of and forgive myself for over time. It hasn’t been easy I must say,but I have,eventually.
What I’ve learnt about self forgiveness is that, it’s a life skill i have to learn and build on,this means it’s going to take time for me to be easy on me everytime i mess up. A skill I have to keep working on,no matter how long it takes for me to learn how to use it in my day to day life. I have had to alllow myself understand that I’m not perfect and I do not know much about the do’s and don’t’s of life. I’m living life for the very first time it’s only natural for me to make mistakes.

Apart from it being a skill, I learnt that it’s a starting point to growth,and self discovery. When I am not afraid to make mistakes I set myself up for growth. I don’t sit and sulk in the tyranny of I wish I knew,then bla bla bla. I make choices knowing that i may fall but what if I fly? It has built my confidence in knowing that whatever the case,I am in a position to pick myself back up,give myself one of those talks,and I will be fine. Learning to forgive myself has enabled me to look at the world and life as a chance to dare,an opportunity to try different routes,even when one leads to a dead end, to keep trying and trying until I figure it all out. Trying things out and hoping for the best but still prepared for what bad might come.

On the flip side,not forgiving myself for choices,decisions,mistakes, I didn’t know would lead to certain extremes was a paralysing way of going about life. Because in retrospect,I didn’t know what would happen if I chose not to trust them,if I woke up early to catch the first bus to work,or if I wore black instead of white. For all we know shit happens for a reason. Maybe the reason why you missed the first bus to work was because,you had to get late,to get fired,so you would think outside the box for you to think about self employment. So why waste time wishing on knowing better when I didn’t know better until I knew better?

I came to the realization that,for me to forgive myself for the “,big mistakes” I must start by forgiving the “small mistakes” I make. Because I believe the small habits,ultimately build on the big habits,thus small mistakes build on big mistakes,think about it for a second. Choosing to forgive myself because I’m human and none was created perfect,so why try being perfect when perfect isn’t real. You deserve the forgiveness too, because I know if you knew better,you would have done better,but you didn’t,so what’s the point of being too hard on yourself?

Evolve ✨


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